2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 4,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 7 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.


That can’t be right

According to this blog, 2 people from Indonesia viewed this blog today. From another country? Leave us a comment and we’ll do a blog exclusively about your country. In a language of your choosing. Me and Adam are from Estovakia, look it up. Anyone from one of these countries need not apply:Image

He is our king.

Man alive.

Seriously man, we’re alive. New blog to follow.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Don’t Matter

When I was in the 11th grade, my English class read The Jungle by Upton Sinclair.  For those of you who don’t know, the book details, somewhat nonfictionally, the trials and tribulations of Jurgis, a Slavic immigrant struggling to survive while supporting his family in the meat-packing district of 1900’s Chicago.  The book’s grisly descriptions of what constituted hot dogs, while then outdated by the Pure Food and Drug Act of 1906 that it helped inspire, also had the unintended effect of inspiring 4 of the 16 girls in my class to vegetarianism.  At least one of them remains so to this day.  As an ardent supporter of the deliciousness of hot dogs, I argued ad nauseum that knowing what was (or rather, what formerly was) in hot dogs made them no less toothsome.

Hot Dog

You tryin' to tell me you wouldn't eat that? Sheeeeit.

Now, as a former (albeit briefly serving) service member, it seems there is a similar issue at hand – the impending repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”   Service members at every level of every branch are throwing up their hands in panic, collectively saying, “We’ll gladly stand in the line of fire, but showering with homos scares the bejeezus out of us!”

And now, the top level of the braintrust that is the DoD has apparently released a thirty-two-plus page survey (PDF) asking service members such important questions as, “Have you been assigned to share bath facilities with an open bay shower that is also used by a Service member you believed to be homosexual?” and “If Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is repealed, how easy or difficult do you think it will be for leadership to enforce good order and discipline?”

what the fuck

I think Redman feels the same way as I do.

Okay, first things first:  the answer to #1 is “yes.”  Outright, plain as day, yes.  In boot camp, you share a berthing and a shower with 70 people of your same sex – for up to 13 weeks, depending on your branch of choice.  Simple math on the estimate that 4% of people are homosexual tells me that I definitely showered with at least one dude who was gay and we all knew and 1.8 others who kept it hidden better.

And you know what?  Our morale never suffered because any of us feared getting anally accosted, or catching gayness.  We grew together, and matured together, and realized that if it came down to brass tacks, it didn’t matter if 2.8 of us liked to make out with guys, because we’d get the job done.  That’s not going to change if DADT is repealed – no person in their right mind is going to try to “surprise” one of his squadmates in the shower in front of a dozen other people, or try and dance the YMCA while they’re trying to return enemy fire.

Gay Marine

His name was "Jones," but we called him "Corporal Punishment."

Now onto the second question, to which the only suitable reply I’ve been able to conjure is something along the lines of “Fuck You,” only meaner.  I’m not gay, nor have I ever been.  Christ, I couldn’t even look my doctor in the face after she put one finger in my ass.  But to think that somehow repealing DADT would incite bedlam in the ranks infuriates me to the point of wanting to reenlist, put “Faggotry” down as my religion, and strip naked just to wag my junk at my base’s Commanding Officer.  Are they serious?

All repealing DADT is going to do is make 4% of patriots more comfortable with themselves, and the idea that a nation is behind them (not like that); while having the somewhat more desirable effect of keeping ignorant bigots away from guns and assumed power because they can’t stomach the idea of serving next to an open homosexual.

Because if we’re being honest, those are the kind of people I don’t want in my Army.  The ones who’ll shoot any “A-rab” ’cause he’s a “dirty towelhead”, who’ll condescend any black man because he’s a “lazy nigger,” and think that every “queer” is gonna try to “rape his asshole” just because he’s allowed to be gay in the military.

Maybe we shouldn’t repeal DADT at all – just change all references to homosexuals against morons – but we have to do one or the other soon.


Here is a place holder for the blog. It seems we really dropped the ball. I left it like I typed it in G-chat. but here you go Internet. dissect THAT.

3:48 PMme: i had a dream last night that I slept with (NAME REMOVED), and I weighed 160 pounds, and hung out in a giant house with the Alabama offensive line

3:49 PM Eileen: It can only be a prophecy
me: yes indeed
3:50 PM it was strange because i was going to be late for work, but i was sleeping with her anyway, then i put her into a crate to find something and make sure she was hidden, then I lost the crate
Eileen: Then maybe its not a prophecy, more like a dream evaluation of the situation
3:51 PM
me: it was strange
and the whole time she was just totally unenthused with the sex, and in the middle, some dudes came in to give me a high five, the I saw SG-1 admonish Daniel for being “dumb as bees” and all of them were dressed in dashikis
3:52 PM just the whole narrative leads me to believe I need to watch what I eat before I go to bed
3:53 PM Eileen: Nah, it sounds fun. I am jealous of dreams because I have them so rarely
me: you’re jealous, of that?

America is not ruining the world…

Well, at least not in the way you might think. I mean, sure we’re a bastion of pretty much everything commercial in the world. Sure we’re encouraging others to live like we do, and sure, it would take over 5 earths worth of resources to accomplish such a feat… but never the less I think the world is responsible enough to tell us to shove off.


unless we offer the world one of these puppies.

However, as a folklore enthusiast we can’t help but look at how rapidly the building of server farms, and internet relay stations in Eastern Europe are bringing about the destruction of the oral tradition, the folk tradition, and generally speaking the squalid way of life many people associate with the former soviet bloc.


Hey! you watch your ass, I live in Moldova!

I guess its okay though, since none of us want to live in the soviet bloc, and homogeneity is one of the cornerstones to a strong new world order, ah crap! my crazy is showing. Well this all raises some really great existential questions over whether or not I as a foreigner have the gall, the right, or the wherewithal to actually question the way of life people bring into their homes. I mean, where do I get off? I mean, for all I know the spread of instant information will help the world learn more about the culture and heritage of Russia’s ugly cousin, it took to prom out of pity… Eastern Europe.


No, Mongolia, my dates in the bathroom! This is my cousin… I need a drink.

Of course this is a blog that at one point or another made its bread and butter off of peanut butter fiascoes and hulk hogan gifs. There’s a chance its not our place to comment on such lofty social endeavors as… the experiment that is the internet to the world. So maybe the world, and we’re not just talking about the former soviet bloc here, sold out. Maybe I jump to the conclusion to harshly. However, a “wise” man once said if he were to finally hang capitalism an American would sell him the rope. Or something like that, there’s no telling he may have been drunk.

We live in a place where we get what we want for prices we set, and until we come upon a whole sale rejection of that kind of convenience (yeah, right…) we’re not going to convince the world to do the same. I mean we’re not ruining the world! We’re just living the lifestyle afforded to us. At least we don’t have live lobster vending machines like Japan. I’m not even kidding.

P.S. Sorry it took so long, I was busy uh, doing, things? Look, I don’t ask you where you go when you’re not reading out blog! LEAVE ME ALONE.

America is ruining the world…

… and not just in the way you might think:

That’s right, I went there. †

This time it’s not just the military’s fault, as many things titled that often are.  Although they are involved.  Back in 1945, an American scientist named Vannevar Bush (no relation the other Bush) created a way to link microfiche films together.  After years of intensive extrapolation, his work yielded two progenies:  one military, and one civilian.  Ironically, the civilian project was spearheaded by a Brit at a little place in the Swiss hills called CERN.  Unfortunately, heir project was called “World Wide Web,” and although it seemed innocuous enough at the time, the United States came along in about 1992 and well, “jacked their ass like a looter in a riot,” which is to say, they set up a web server at Stanford University.

At this point, the only top-level domains available were the nation-wide (.uk, .fr, .ch, et al.) domains, and .edu, until we privately annexed .com (commercial), .net (network), .org (organization, commonly non-profit), .mil (Who needs a fucking top-level domain for their military? We do, so piss off), and .gov (because apparently just using “.us” was too much to ask).  Over a course of about 4 years, they went about commercially deploying and distributing this new “world wide web” technology at a merciless pace over a network of private computers.  Other countries soon followed suit, but let’s look at it like this:  we’re definitely the only country with on the list of top 10 GDP/capita with more than 16.4 million people.

There are only 301,000 Icelanders, but because of geothermal power,
each one of them can party down on your ass all night long.‡

Adam, get to the point already, you say?  Faithful reader, my point is this:  The American Internet is has supersaturated the solution.  Although we make up only 4.5% of the world’s population, we control 35 of the internet’s 50 most visited sites.  It’s safe to say we do most of the visiting, too.  As a result, we’re becoming more and more comfortable with interjecting what can be called, “internet shorthand” into our daily lives.  When this carryover occurs over a period of time, it winds up in scary, important places, like the dictionaries and regional vernaculars – and that’s scary shit!

As what can be seen as the monopolistic purveyors of these newest types of media, we are the torch-bearers for the closest thing there can be to a world-wide language.  Because of this, we have an obligation to the rest of the world not to go and fuck it up.  Sure, I’m fine with languages melding together.  That’s where all languages come from.  What I mean is that if I’m alive to see reputable news sources world-wide “ROFLing,” or “your” becoming a Webster’s-sanctioned replacement for “you’re,” I’m going to do something dramatic, along the lines of eating someone’s pet dog.

6:  Dog Meat
serving size, 3.5 oz.   260 calories, 20.2g fat, 19g protein

In closing, I’d only like to add one thing:  it’s not that hard to misplace a semicolon here or there.  I’m not talking about that – punctuation is confusing as shit.  And I don’t care who does and doesn’t know what a gerund is.  I’ve never once needed that tidbit of information, despite years of competing on the bar trivia circuit.  What I’m talking about, is letting what we’ve got going on continue at it’s kudzu-esque pace.  Also, maybe a constitutional amendment.  What, couldn’t hurt, right?  Then maybe my grandkids won’t need an English-to-Lolspeak dictionary in order to read it.  Is that too much to ask?


†:  I’ve  never actually been “there.” ††

††:  “there” is Tehran.

‡:  The sun doesn’t even come up in December.  Bitch.