More lessons, less Selleck.

I said less, not none. How could I leave Magnum P.I. out of this post? I mean, this dude honors contracts because of the literal notion of honor. He has cakes made to look like his chest and mustache were frosting whipped into manliness. Also, he was in F’n Mr. Baseball!

Magnum

self-portrait, I think the resemblance is uncanny

I’m jealous. My brother, the sly and cunning louse that he is, snaked away one of my very favorite movies to blog on first. How could I even come close to hoping to mirror his alleged enthusiasm for what can only be described as a true “fish out of water” classic? Many has been the night when I would call up my brother, one of us away on business, or something of the sort, simply to yell:

“Miiiiistah Base-e-ballllllllllllllllll” In what can only be described as an offensive and completely authentic Japanese accent.

However! My brother fails to point out what he could have learned from all the other fine films to lay on the leather. No, not those films… well maybe, he’s a weird guy, but I meant other baseball movies. A genre unto itself. I present to you, lessons from movies you wish you had forgotten:

1. Rookie Of The Year (1993)

Well, this one is obvious. Always lay on the stinky cheese. I mean how often have you found yourself at the end of a 18 year baseball career only to find true love at the hands of a childs mother, a child who, strangely enough seems to be the starting pitcher for your major league baseball team? Later on in the end of your career, which thankfully coincides with the end of this fantastic film, you can lay it all on the line and give them… the stinky cheese? Wait, did he just say “funky but lovin’”?

Busey

Pseudo-lesson? Gary Busey did anything for that paycheck in the early 90’s.

2. Little Big League (1994)

Apparently, the early 90’s were the breakout years for children in Major League Athletics. This is the heartwarming story of a child who is bequeathed the Minnesota Twins, sadly his luck wouldn’t last and he’d go on to be the actor starring in Jeepers Creepers…2. It was a good movie, full of fun and adventure. It taught me: A Franchise will do anything to fill seats or coffers. If a team has lent their name to a movie, they probably need a break. For instance, look at the Cleveland Indians, Minnesota Twins, L.A. Angels, New Orleans Saints, etc. If a real sports team needs to put their name in a movie, its best to see that heartwarming tale, on the chance that they’ll get a nickel of the admission price.

Twins

I wonder what team he plays for? I better get two movie tickets to find out

3. Major League (1989)

Alright. No kidding, this movie is so funny, when James Gammon, the “rugged” and indomitable Lou Brown takes out the foppish Roger Dorn’s contract, played by a very young looking Corbin Bensen, and proceeds to urinate on it in the middle of the field. I laugh. EVERY TIME. I mean, the whole movie is just full of great moments, and it was filmed in a time where people cared about baseball humor, even if they didn’t care about Cleveland.

I would say my lesson learned? Ugly up your pitcher, and he’ll win you the pennant. I mean I know he had “vision” problems, but Charlie Sheen probably couldn’t pitch straight because of all the skirt he was chasing. You put some focus on that sucker and you got a winning team. Plain and simple. See number 1 for proof.

Vaughn

Ugly.

There are more, I mean, Major League 2 proves Wesley Snipes was too good for a sequel, and Jesus “no help with curveball”. Angels in the outfield, while proving that franchises need money, so do people like Christopher Lloyd and that with the help of ingenuity and blatant cheating (for a little boys wish?) you still can’t get your parents back together. Not if there is money in a sequel anyhow. Baseball has taught us all a lot, but mostly my brother. He stole Mr. Baseball like Willie “The Maze” Haze…

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One response to “More lessons, less Selleck.

  1. Would you be interested in exchanging blogrolls links with my site? Please email me if you are interested

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