So I recently went to see The Hermitage. The home of Andrew Jackson, our most racist and aggresive president. He was, in pretty much all manner, a bad-ass. I learned something rather interesting. He was a war-hero, true, but when he was elected President of the United states he was a rather old gent. Even stranger still, in his 66th year, he was taken upon by assassins.
Well, one assassin. You know what happened? He had two pistols with him that day. He fired one, it misfired, then he fired a second, against all odds, it too misfired. Normally the man being killed has the bad day. This time, Andrew Jackson proceeded to soundly wallop the ever loving piss out of the would-be killer. In fact, he had to be dragged away. Maybe by one of the many people whom he had also walloped with his freaking hickory cane.
He was 66. The man had two guns! That’s like me trying to kill Wilford Brimley, and having him instead knock me unconcious and run me over with his Rascal scooter. I mean honestly. That’s a bad day.
Of Andrew Jackson it was said “He was an autocratic Democrat, an urbane savage, an atrotcious saint.” I couldn’t have said it better. Of course, He also paid off the national debt. Maybe instead of the 20 we should put him on the $1,000,000,000,000 bill.