Hello? Blog readers? Are you still there?
I know we’ve alienated a few (read: most) of you with our last couple of posts – some incoherent rambling about space, and then a completely unrelatable “superblog” about genius that flopped about as hard as Chris Cornell’s supergroup “Temple of the Dog.” So, I’m here to try and salvage what little readership we’ve managed not to scare off, and I was wondering … well, how?
Now, I just want to warn you, I’m not above posting porn here – but while I strongly feel that a couple triple-X videos of Melissa Midwest would solve our low readership woes, I fear that it would only exacerbate the level of confusion in those we’ve managed to attract, and that’s clearly not what we want.
Then again, who wouldn’t want to exacerbate to this picture?
Then, though, I had an epiphany. What’s something everyone can relate to? Music! Well, at least everyone who wasn’t born deaf. So, I decided, since I love music, and I love lists, and I’ve already wasted 200 words, this is a perfect opportunity to present to you, in no particular order … drum roll … my current top 5 bands!
(So-called because this list is subject to change as soon as tomorrow.)
5: Alkaline Trio
This is a good one with which to kick off the list, if for no other reason than grinding, guitar-driven punk rock played by Chicagoan Satanists is omitted from too many other lists. Yeah, it’s the music that got me through the break-ups, the shake-ups, and the i-don’t-wanna-wake-ups, but it’s also noteworthy for being some of the best dark music ever played in major keys. Between Matt Skiba’s cold, ironic sense of humor, and the searing, frenetic, and frequently technical instrumentals, the result is a tornado that will leave you wrecked like an Alabama trailer park.
If you’re already a fan, you might like: Hot Water Music, Face To Face, Satan.
4: The Beatles
Yeah, yeah, it’s a top-bands list requisite. They’re arguably the most celebrated, imaginative, innovative quartet in rock history, so let’s try to take an alternate route – I’ll list things I hate about them, instead. John Lennon? A petty asshole, an undeserving martyr, and bad taste in women. Their first 4 albums? Not worth the wax they wasted (with the sole exception of “I Saw Her Standing There” – that shit still kills). Hey Jude? Repetitive, unimaginative, mind-numbing, and awful to the point that it makes me almost resent the key of F. And now Ringo Starr is too busy to return fan mail? Ringo? Hahaha, yeah, me, too. Sacks and sacks.
If you’re already a fan, you might like: Music.
If you thought this list was gonna go down without Hov’ on it, simply put, you’re stupid. One of the great musical minds of our (and maybe all) time, this man can play with words like Shakespeare, only the Bard didn’t have Kanye and Timbaland to write his beats. (Maybe that’s why none of his plays were musicals?) His albums have more energy than the Hoover Dam, and any rapper that can sample the Doors, reference Sinatra, and perform on stage with McCartney gets my vote easily.
If you’re already a fan, you might like: Common, Atmosphere, gold chains.
2: The Hold Steady
Hooooly cow. Talk about someone who can write a story. Craig Finn and company have put out 4 albums so far, whose lyrics intertwine like the Harry Potter novels, weaving in and out of blue-collar storylines and plot points like a slalom at 100 beats per minute. Couple that with imagery that Mark Twain couldn’t top on a good day, guitars that make Slash look like a fingerless bitch, and an ability to relate to their audience that seems almost inbred (you see what I did there?), and then slap a global recession on top of it? This Twin Cities juggernaut might just take over rock and roll if they’re not careful.
If you’re already a fan, you might like: 7 Seconds, Bruce Springsteen’s punchier stuff, beer.
As though there was any doubt. From the first minute of the first track from the first album, I was stuck to this band like bubble gum in a perm. Then again, I am a sucker for waltzes. Of all the bands I’ve ever rocked out to, bonded over, seen live, or fallen asleep listening to, not one comes close in the quality and quantity of the mighty Weez. Only time will tell if they’re as generational as I think they might be, but if there’s one musical act from our time that I would want my kids named after listening to, it’s this one. That’s right – fuck you, Miley Cyrus.
If you’re already a fan, you might like: Mates of State, Hey Mercedes, math class.
And so ends the list. Questions? Comments? This one was much more fun to read, wasn’t it?