Yeah, yeah, I haven’t written anything in a while. I’ve been doing stuff. No foolin’. I really wanted to write about this rocket show I went to over Independence Day weekend, but when it comes down to it, I really don’t know much about model rocketry other than “rockets = awesome.”
For reference, that man is not a gnome.
That man is a man, and that man is not fucking around.
So, I said to myself, “Self, just stick to what you know! Tell stories about stuff you like!” Thus was born Ruminations About Meat:
1: Venison – serving size, 3 0z. 130 calories, 2g fat, 26g protein
Ah, deer meat. Venison always makes me think of the Sportsman’s Lake lodge. My grandpa – a cow-testicle eating meat badass – always used to drag us brothers there during some days we visited over the summers. Once, we got bored of fishing, and went rifling through the cabinets and the refrigerator in the kitchen. My grandpa found us, yelled at us, probably beat the shit out of us, and made us sit in the back of his truck until he finished playing cards. Canasta, most likely. Later in my childhood, we would return to this very lodge for a venison pot-luck, where we sampled home-made dishes ranging from spaghetti with venison meatballs to steaks to deer tacos. ¡Magnifico!
2: Swordfish – serving size, 3.75 oz. 164 calories, 5.4g fat, 27g protein
When I was 19, I lived for free as the assistant manager of an apartment complex. Sweet deal while it lasted, but one day, a 30-something resident caught me on my way home from work (no easy feat, since my total trek was about 60 yards) and asked me if I could help him move some things out of his apartment. I figured “Hey, why not,” but before I could comply, he offered to grill some swordfish so it wouldn’t spoil in his move. He fired up his charcoal grill, we hauled some boxes from his apartment to a trailer, and before I knew it, I was eating the juiciest, most flavorful grilled fish steak I’ve ever put in my mouth. If only I’d had some squash. The lesson here is, while candy is under no circumstances acceptable to take from strangers, swordfish is A-OK!
Swordfish, The Last Boy Scout, The Flinstones,
pretty much anything with Halle Berry.
3: Bacon – serving size, 1 oz. 251 calories, 28g fat, 0g protein
Oh, bacon, how you’ve saved me so many mornings. I know it’s trendy to love bacon right now, but why shouldn’t the pinnacle of pork products always be celebrated? The best bacon I’ve ever had in my entire life spent two days marinating in black peppercorn dressing while wrapped around a ribeye steak. Then, it was cooked on top of the steak on a Foreman grill. The resultant bacon was literally ineffable. It was crispy, and tender, and it tasted like I was making out with God. It was one of the few times I’ve had steak that had been wrapped in bacon, and come away saying, “The steak was also good.”
4: Salmon – serving size, 3.5 oz. 140 calories, 6.5g fat, 19g protein
I prefer my salmon a just a pinch rarer than my steaks, which is to say, raw. Sure, you can cook salmon, whatever. But why bother? Salmon is like nature’s version of convenience food! I once watched Bear Grylls fish a salmon out of a river in the Chugach Mountains of Alaska with a spear, scale it, cut the meat out, and commence enjoying delicious fish. It literally took him less time than it would for you to get up, walk down the hall, put 75 cents into a vending machine, and decide between the Rice Krispie Treat and the Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles. Then again, he almost died of hypothermia on that trip, so … you know, pick your battles. As an aside, yes, I envision the majority of you are reading this while you’re supposed to be working. 🙂
Fact: Being a bear is fucking awesome.
I hope I’ve quenched everyone’s thirst for tombloggery. It’s like, tomfoolery, but with bloggi – you know what, forget it. Either you get it, or you don’t. I’m not going to stand here and explain it to you.
PS: The Patagonian Toothfish used to sell at local markets in southern South America for roughly $2 per 20-lb fish, and it wouldn’t even sell in America due to its lowly status. Since fishmongers started calling it the “Chilean Sea Bass,” we’ve started paying nearly $25 per pound in some places. Let’s hear it for fish marketing!