Tag Archives: america

America is not ruining the world…

Well, at least not in the way you might think. I mean, sure we’re a bastion of pretty much everything commercial in the world. Sure we’re encouraging others to live like we do, and sure, it would take over 5 earths worth of resources to accomplish such a feat… but never the less I think the world is responsible enough to tell us to shove off.


unless we offer the world one of these puppies.

However, as a folklore enthusiast we can’t help but look at how rapidly the building of server farms, and internet relay stations in Eastern Europe are bringing about the destruction of the oral tradition, the folk tradition, and generally speaking the squalid way of life many people associate with the former soviet bloc.


Hey! you watch your ass, I live in Moldova!

I guess its okay though, since none of us want to live in the soviet bloc, and homogeneity is one of the cornerstones to a strong new world order, ah crap! my crazy is showing. Well this all raises some really great existential questions over whether or not I as a foreigner have the gall, the right, or the wherewithal to actually question the way of life people bring into their homes. I mean, where do I get off? I mean, for all I know the spread of instant information will help the world learn more about the culture and heritage of Russia’s ugly cousin, it took to prom out of pity… Eastern Europe.


No, Mongolia, my dates in the bathroom! This is my cousin… I need a drink.

Of course this is a blog that at one point or another made its bread and butter off of peanut butter fiascoes and hulk hogan gifs. There’s a chance its not our place to comment on such lofty social endeavors as… the experiment that is the internet to the world. So maybe the world, and we’re not just talking about the former soviet bloc here, sold out. Maybe I jump to the conclusion to harshly. However, a “wise” man once said if he were to finally hang capitalism an American would sell him the rope. Or something like that, there’s no telling he may have been drunk.

We live in a place where we get what we want for prices we set, and until we come upon a whole sale rejection of that kind of convenience (yeah, right…) we’re not going to convince the world to do the same. I mean we’re not ruining the world! We’re just living the lifestyle afforded to us. At least we don’t have live lobster vending machines like Japan. I’m not even kidding.

P.S. Sorry it took so long, I was busy uh, doing, things? Look, I don’t ask you where you go when you’re not reading out blog! LEAVE ME ALONE.


America is ruining the world…

… and not just in the way you might think:

That’s right, I went there. †

This time it’s not just the military’s fault, as many things titled that often are.  Although they are involved.  Back in 1945, an American scientist named Vannevar Bush (no relation the other Bush) created a way to link microfiche films together.  After years of intensive extrapolation, his work yielded two progenies:  one military, and one civilian.  Ironically, the civilian project was spearheaded by a Brit at a little place in the Swiss hills called CERN.  Unfortunately, heir project was called “World Wide Web,” and although it seemed innocuous enough at the time, the United States came along in about 1992 and well, “jacked their ass like a looter in a riot,” which is to say, they set up a web server at Stanford University.

At this point, the only top-level domains available were the nation-wide (.uk, .fr, .ch, et al.) domains, and .edu, until we privately annexed .com (commercial), .net (network), .org (organization, commonly non-profit), .mil (Who needs a fucking top-level domain for their military? We do, so piss off), and .gov (because apparently just using “.us” was too much to ask).  Over a course of about 4 years, they went about commercially deploying and distributing this new “world wide web” technology at a merciless pace over a network of private computers.  Other countries soon followed suit, but let’s look at it like this:  we’re definitely the only country with on the list of top 10 GDP/capita with more than 16.4 million people.

There are only 301,000 Icelanders, but because of geothermal power,
each one of them can party down on your ass all night long.‡

Adam, get to the point already, you say?  Faithful reader, my point is this:  The American Internet is has supersaturated the solution.  Although we make up only 4.5% of the world’s population, we control 35 of the internet’s 50 most visited sites.  It’s safe to say we do most of the visiting, too.  As a result, we’re becoming more and more comfortable with interjecting what can be called, “internet shorthand” into our daily lives.  When this carryover occurs over a period of time, it winds up in scary, important places, like the dictionaries and regional vernaculars – and that’s scary shit!

As what can be seen as the monopolistic purveyors of these newest types of media, we are the torch-bearers for the closest thing there can be to a world-wide language.  Because of this, we have an obligation to the rest of the world not to go and fuck it up.  Sure, I’m fine with languages melding together.  That’s where all languages come from.  What I mean is that if I’m alive to see reputable news sources world-wide “ROFLing,” or “your” becoming a Webster’s-sanctioned replacement for “you’re,” I’m going to do something dramatic, along the lines of eating someone’s pet dog.

6:  Dog Meat
serving size, 3.5 oz.   260 calories, 20.2g fat, 19g protein

In closing, I’d only like to add one thing:  it’s not that hard to misplace a semicolon here or there.  I’m not talking about that – punctuation is confusing as shit.  And I don’t care who does and doesn’t know what a gerund is.  I’ve never once needed that tidbit of information, despite years of competing on the bar trivia circuit.  What I’m talking about, is letting what we’ve got going on continue at it’s kudzu-esque pace.  Also, maybe a constitutional amendment.  What, couldn’t hurt, right?  Then maybe my grandkids won’t need an English-to-Lolspeak dictionary in order to read it.  Is that too much to ask?


†:  I’ve  never actually been “there.” ††

††:  “there” is Tehran.

‡:  The sun doesn’t even come up in December.  Bitch.