Ruminations About Meat

Yeah, yeah, I haven’t written anything in a while.  I’ve been doing stuff.  No foolin’.  I really wanted to write about this rocket show I went to over Independence Day weekend, but when it comes down to it, I really don’t know much about model rocketry other than “rockets = awesome.”

For reference, that man is not a gnome.
That man is a man, and that man is not fucking around.

So, I said to myself, “Self, just stick to what you know!  Tell stories about stuff you like!”  Thus was born Ruminations About Meat:

1:  Venison – serving size, 3 0z.  130 calories, 2g fat, 26g protein

Ah, deer meat.  Venison always makes me think of the Sportsman’s Lake lodge.  My grandpa – a cow-testicle eating meat badass – always used to drag us brothers there during some days we visited over the summers.  Once, we got bored of fishing, and went rifling through the cabinets and the refrigerator in the kitchen.  My grandpa found us, yelled at us, probably beat the shit out of us, and made us sit in the back of his truck until he finished playing cards.  Canasta, most likely.  Later in my childhood, we would return to this very lodge for a venison pot-luck, where we sampled home-made dishes ranging from spaghetti with venison meatballs to steaks to deer tacos.  ¡Magnifico!

2:  Swordfish – serving size, 3.75 oz.   164 calories, 5.4g fat, 27g protein

When I was 19, I lived for free as the assistant manager of an apartment complex.  Sweet deal while it lasted, but one day, a 30-something resident caught me on my way home from work (no easy feat, since my total trek was about 60 yards) and asked me if I could help him move some things out of his apartment.  I figured “Hey, why not,” but before I could comply, he offered to grill some swordfish so it wouldn’t spoil in his move.  He fired up his charcoal grill, we hauled some boxes from his apartment to a trailer, and before I knew it, I was eating the juiciest, most flavorful grilled fish steak I’ve ever put in my mouth.  If only I’d had some squash.  The lesson here is, while candy is under no circumstances acceptable to take from strangers, swordfish is A-OK!

Swordfish, The Last Boy Scout, The Flinstones,
pretty much anything with Halle Berry.

3:  Bacon – serving size, 1 oz.   251 calories, 28g fat, 0g protein

Oh, bacon, how you’ve saved me so many mornings.  I know it’s trendy to love bacon right now, but why shouldn’t the pinnacle of pork products always be celebrated?  The best bacon I’ve ever had in my entire life spent two days marinating in black peppercorn dressing while wrapped around a ribeye steak.  Then, it was cooked on top of the steak on a Foreman grill.  The resultant bacon was literally ineffable.  It was crispy, and tender, and it tasted like I was making out with God.  It was one of the few times I’ve had steak that had been wrapped in bacon, and come away saying, “The steak was also good.”

4:  Salmon – serving size, 3.5 oz.   140 calories, 6.5g fat, 19g protein

I prefer my salmon a just a pinch rarer than my steaks, which is to say, raw.  Sure, you can cook salmon, whatever.  But why bother?  Salmon is like nature’s version of convenience food! I once watched Bear Grylls fish a salmon out of a river in the Chugach Mountains of Alaska with a spear, scale it, cut the meat out, and commence enjoying delicious fish.  It literally took him less time than it would for you to get up, walk down the hall, put 75 cents into a vending machine, and decide between the Rice Krispie Treat and the Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles.  Then again, he almost died of hypothermia on that trip, so … you know, pick your battles.  As an aside, yes, I envision the majority of you are reading this while you’re supposed to be working.  🙂

Fact:  Being a bear is fucking awesome.

I hope I’ve quenched everyone’s thirst for tombloggery.  It’s like, tomfoolery, but with bloggi – you know what, forget it.  Either you get it, or you don’t.  I’m not going to stand here and explain it to you.

PS:  The Patagonian Toothfish used to sell at local markets in southern South America for roughly $2 per 20-lb fish, and it wouldn’t even sell in America due to its lowly status.  Since fishmongers started calling it the “Chilean Sea Bass,” we’ve started paying nearly $25 per pound in some places.  Let’s hear it for fish marketing!

Out of the frying pan, into my tummy

Screw the groundhog.  With it now being March, it’s officially spring break season.  Logically, most colleges and universities across the country will wait until a more springlike time, but I should be so lucky.  Instead, I had the first weekend of March, and since the city where I’m in school has seen roughly 100 inches of snow this winter, I decided to take a few days off from work, and go somewhere warm:  Canada!

“I don’t really have a day job, sir.“

So since I’ve never really been the type for souvenirs, I decided along with my co-vacationee that this was going to be a food trip, and I was going to keep a food diary.  As it turns out, 7 days worth of trying to keep the two of us warm in -11°C (that’s 13°F for you Yanks out there) requires a substantial amount of caloric intake.  So, without further adieu, all the food consumed by myself and Jane, on our excursion into America’s hat:

Montreal:

1. Double Pizza:  2 slices Sausage & Peppers, 2 slices Ham & Pineapple, 1 pitcher Boreale Blanche
2. Les 3 Brasseurs:  2 et cetera (½ pt each of: Blonde Ale, Nut Brown Ale, Amber Lager, Blanche), 1 Euro Sandwich (Grilled chicken, grilled zucchini, topped with cranberry salsa and brie all in a ciabatta bread, served with fries), 1 L3B Croque Monsieur (Grilled ham & cheese sandwich baked in a 3 Brasseurs amber beer cream sauce topped w/cheese and served with a green salad)
3. Godiva Chocolatier in la Ville Souterraine:  1 scoop Tiramisu gelato, 1 scoop Rocher gelato; both in sugar cones
4. Bar Fût-Zion:  1 pt each Griffon Blonde, Griffon Rousse, Cheval Blanc, Belle Gueule
5. Bistro A JoJo, take 1:  1 pt each Rickards White, Rickards Red; 2 pts Creemore Springs Lager.
6. Sushi Sago:  20 pcs assorted sushi (4 pcs Nigirizushi, 16pcs Makizushi), mostly salmon- and yellowfin- related, all extremely delicious.
7. Bistro A JoJo, take 2:  1 pt Rickards Red, 1 pt Rickards White, 3 bottles Trois Pistoles, 4 bottles Maudite – that night, it was a very good thing the hotel was right across the street.
8. Espace Confort: 2 croissant, 2 bowls cornflakes, 2 glasses OJ, 6 ibuprofen
9. L’Amere À Boire Brasserie:  2 pts each L-a-B Porter and L-a-B Hefeweizen, 2 orders Fish ‘n’ Chips, 1 Crème Brûlée
10. Bar Des Pins, take 1:  2 pts + 1 pitcher Rickards Honey Brown
11. Thai Express:  1 chicken pad thai (extra spicy), 1 vegetable pad thai, 1 imperial roll, 1 spring roll
12. Bar Des Pins, take 2:  2 pitchers Rickards Honey Brown
13. McDonalds:   1 Quartre Livre Trio – I didn’t really want McDonalds, I was just testing a theory I saw in Pulp Fiction, which you may notice didn’t turn out.
14. La Nouvelle Mon Indienne:  2 chicken tikka masala, 2 naan (which was HUGE), and 2 moong dal soup

If you’re ever in Montreal, and see this sign, run (don’t walk) to the first open table you see.

Toronto:

1. Mother’s Dumplings:  1 green onion pancake, 20 pork and chive dumplings, 10 melon / tofu / rice noodle dumplings – easily the best dumplings I’ve ever eaten.
2. The Silver Dollar:  1 pitcher Cool’s, 1 pitcher Amsterdam Nut Brown
3. Tequila Bookworm:  1 Firecracker Chicken Sandwich, 1 Smoked Salmon Platter
4. La Casa Rossiter:  1 grilled cheese sandwich
5. Future Bistro:  1 Large Poutine, 1 pt each Stella Artois and Strongbow Cider
6. Inter Steer:  Crispy Chicken Sandwich + salad, Fish ‘n’ Chips, Pumpkin Sandwich + salad, 2 pts Stella Artois, 1 bottle Zywiec Lager
7. Tacos el Asador:  vegetarian burrito, chorizo burrito, 2 chicken quesadillas, 1 Jarritos (Mango)
8. The Lakeview:  1 pt each Big Rock Grasshopper Wheat and St. Ambroise Oatmeal Stout
9. Chez Stuart:  1 grilled egg, cheddar, and avocado sandwich

This, of course, doesn’t count the innumerable cups of coffee, tea, and soda (other than the Jarritos), nor does it count food eaten on the road.  Also, for those of you keeping score at home, the running beer total is 6 pitchers  (22.5 pts total), 8 bottles (at an average of 8.5% alc/vol each), and 26 individual pints.  Afterwards, we stopped at Rohrbach’s in Rochester and had 4 more assorted pints and a 64 oz. “Growler” of their (delicious) Vanilla Porter to go along with a Meatloaf and a 10 oz. Jack Daniel’s Burger.

No, not that kind of Meat Loaf.

All in all, a delicious, relaxing, and damn good vacation.  Montreal was beautifully historic and incredible (despite the French, which I didn’t know a word of), Toronto was lively and well-hosted, and it’s worth noting that we saw one of the best Bluegrass bands outside Kentucky at The Silver Dollar.  Big ups to Beccy Joe for having us in Toronto, and you can bet we’ll be back to one or both in the summer.  You know, when it’s not face-chappingly cold.

Under my salmonella, ella, ella.

What gives?  When I was a kid, you got salmonella from one place, and one place only:  Poultry.  Eating undercooked chicken, drinking absurd macho Rocky-style glasses of raw eggs for breakfast, and all that other stupid shit people to to train for a movie boxing match.  And that makes sense!  Salmonella, as discovered in 1900, is mostly caused by salmonella enterica, which is found in chickens.  Ta-da!  Case closed.  Everybody goes home happy.

In fact, basically the only way you could get sick from food was eating undercooked animal products.  Pork had trichinosis, but not super-often.  Ground beef ran a decent risk of e. coli, but regular beef was still pretty safe to eat rare.  Eating squirrel brains led to mental disorders, but only in Eastern Kentucky.  (Read that link and defend the following position:  “There is no such thing as bad publicity.”)  (That should actually be the title of this post.)

And this is fine for me, because I don’t do my own fight scenes, and I’m smart enough to cook my chicken all the way through.  Therefore I shouldn”t have to worry about getting the salmonill’  (say it like “the rheumatis’ “).  But apparently, 2008 will go down on the record books as not only the Year of the Earth Rat, but also as  the year of surprise!  EVERYTHING CAN GIVE YOU SALMONELLA.

This, friends, is unacceptable.  And so is this next thing.

This short guy is clearly worried for  Hollywood Hulk’s health and safety.

King Nut? King What?

Okay, so recently, peanut butter has started murdering people… again. Why you ask? Well you didn’t ask, but really, I’m sure you’re reading this wondering why peanut butter is such a psycho bitch. Well I would imagine its filled with delicouscy salmonella goodness. Not all peanut butter of course, just jars of rich and nutritious King Nut peanut butter.

I live in a town with a JIF factory, and thus, its comes cheap and plentiful. I’ve eaten more JIF peanut butter than a man can honestly say doesn’t make him gay for JIF… but I’m not. That got weird. However! After learning all of this about the delicous tragedy I tried to track down a picture of a jar of King Nut peanuty goodness. I had never seen one.

You know what?

I STILL HAVEN’T SEEN ONE.

I tried a patented Google image search for King Nut peanut butter. Hoping that trawling through the many images might yield a glimpse of that most regal of butters. It would appear the king doesn’t like to be photographed. Much like the Liechtenstein royal family

Not Peanut Butter

However,  it doesn’t seem to come in jars. It comes in tubs, which may have alerted other more fortunate people not to buy it. I just like to hearken back to a day when nothing gave you salmonella but chicken. Now we must fear our produce, our monarchies?!

The recall was voluntary, so kudos to them, I respect any company willing to take a hit on public relations for a good move toward policy. It’s an awful tragedy for a few people out there, but the recall will save lives. I’ll put out an A.P.B. for all the peanute butter that may or may not look like this:

Watch out!

Man, its just terrible. Really, I looked to find A SINGLE picture of a package of any sort, all I found out is that the parent company also sells airline supplies, and bizzare assortment snacks. How am I supposed to watch out for something I can’t identify?! Package, jar, bag, bottle, or pippette?

I’m not gay for JIF!